so, i'm upset over NOTHING and i know it.
billy asked me to marry him, which is wonderful and i am very happy. the problem is that i am letting my ridiculous, unreasonable, stupid, girly expectations get in my way. for so long i've been waiting for him to propose, and there have been SO many times when i was sorely disappointed (and embarrassed) when he didn't. i should have known better.
okay, so i'm going to let my nasty side through for a minute and say things i will regret later.
so here is how it happened:
we went out with a friend of mine from middle school and her husband to catch up and all that, and we had a decent time, but mostly it was awkward. we came home at like 9:30 and took the dog outside for some fetch because she was freaking out and barking and all that dogness. it WAS a really beautiful night (i'll give him that) so we're out there in the back yard sitting on lawn furniture and throwing a slobbery stick for the dog, and he's like 'come sit in my lap', which i really hate doing because it makes me feel fat and big and disgusting, but i did it anyways. so i'm sitting there, feeling uncomfortable because the chair is small and there's no way to relax or cuddle up to him or anything. then suddenly he started to breathe funny and i realized that he's about to do it and i wanted to yell 'NOOOOOOO!!!! DON'T YOU DARE DO IT RIGHT NOW'. it was NOT a good moment, and then just a split second later he says 'what are you thinking about' and i wanted to be like 'how uncomfortable this is right now' but i said 'i don't know, what are you thinking about' and he pulls out a ring and says in the most arrogant voice he could conger 'i was thinkin' you should marry me'.
my heart totally sunk and i wanted to hit him and say WHAT THE FUCK!?!? but instead i had to act surprised and happy, and i just wanted to cry (i know, i should have been able to look past all this). i HATE IT WHEN HE ACTS ARROGANT!!!!!! nothing get's me more worked up. this was supposed to be him humbling himself and ASKING me, but instead, because he knew i would say yes, he TOLD me. it's so stupid, i know, but i really wanted him to get down on his knee. it makes me mad just to type that, because i know how stupid it is.
then the ring was too small, so i couldn't put it on. again, it's stupid and i shouldn't care. i told him i didn't because in THEORY i don't care. it was a raw, humiliating disappointment. it made me feel like it was all some casual whatever that he didn't bother to put any thought in to. it's petty and stupid and childish but i felt so shot down. it's supposed to be wonderful and surprising and touching and everything is supposed to be happy and emotional and blah blah blah and it just wasnt that way. i felt ugly and gross and, and i was irritated and disappointed but i couldn't say anything. it pretty much sucked. he chose a pretty inopportune moment, and did it in a pretty obnoxious way.
i know, i know, i'm being ridiculous and bratty and selfish and ungrateful. maybe even mean. i know it, but for some reason... i don't know.
then, he went on to tell me that he WAS going to propose to me a couple days prior, when we were visiting the house where i grew up. we went there, and it was so amazing just to be there and we got to tromp around in the woods like i did all the time growing up. i got to show him all these wonderful places that i've told him about a million times because they mean SO much to me and it would have been AMAZING and WONDERFUL and better than i could have expected but he didn't do it BECAUSE I WAS SO EXCITED TO BE SHOWING HIM THESE THINGS THAT I DIDN'T STOP AND GIVE HIM THE CHANCE. i remember when he was talking about... we were busily tromping and he said he didn't feel good and wanted to stop. so we stopped for a minute but i was kind of pressuring him to keep going with me, so after a couple minutes we did. so the really lame part is that it was MY fault that he didn't propose to me in this incredible place. it couldn't have been more perfect. not even close. there is no place or time in the world that would have been more perfect for him to ask me to marry him, and he didn't do it because i was too excited to be there. he could have stopped me. he could have grabbed my arm and just done it just like that and it would have been amazing, but no, he had to wait until the WORST MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TIME EVER when i was feeling GROSS AND FAT AND COVERED WITH DOG SLOBBER.
now everybody is asking me to tell them all the details of how he did it and it is actually EMBARRASSING for me. i don't want to tell ANYONE the details because it kind of sucked. i don't want to say yeah, we were sitting around throwing slobbery things for our slobbery dog and he arrogantly demanded that i marry him, then gave me a ring that didn't fit. ugh.
okay, having said all this i have to reiterate... i LOVE billy SO MUCH and i am so delighted to be marrying him. this was TOTALLY just a rant, and he is COMPLETELY worth all his arrogance and blah blah blah. it is 100% my fault that i was disappointed by this because i had stupid, unreasonable expectations for how it is supposed to go. i should be SO EXCITED that we got to go to my old house at all and i got to show him things i care about, and that he proposed to me, and bought me a ring, and wants to marry me. i feel a little better having said all this too... it's not like i can really talk to anyone about it because it is so selfish and immature and a little bit mean of me. i just had to get it out. okay.
okay.
