bratty ungreatful crybaby things

so, i'm upset over NOTHING and i know it.

billy asked me to marry him, which is wonderful and i am very happy. the problem is that i am letting my ridiculous, unreasonable, stupid, girly expectations get in my way. for so long i've been waiting for him to propose, and there have been SO many times when i was sorely disappointed (and embarrassed) when he didn't. i should have known better.

okay, so i'm going to let my nasty side through for a minute and say things i will regret later.

so here is how it happened:

we went out with a friend of mine from middle school and her husband to catch up and all that, and we had a decent time, but mostly it was awkward. we came home at like 9:30 and took the dog outside for some fetch because she was freaking out and barking and all that dogness. it WAS a really beautiful night (i'll give him that) so we're out there in the back yard sitting on lawn furniture and throwing a slobbery stick for the dog, and he's like 'come sit in my lap', which i really hate doing because it makes me feel fat and big and disgusting, but i did it anyways. so i'm sitting there, feeling uncomfortable because the chair is small and there's no way to relax or cuddle up to him or anything. then suddenly he started to breathe funny and i realized that he's about to do it and i wanted to yell 'NOOOOOOO!!!! DON'T YOU DARE DO IT RIGHT NOW'. it was NOT a good moment, and then just a split second later he says 'what are you thinking about' and i wanted to be like 'how uncomfortable this is right now' but i said 'i don't know, what are you thinking about' and he pulls out a ring and says in the most arrogant voice he could conger 'i was thinkin' you should marry me'.

my heart totally sunk and i wanted to hit him and say WHAT THE FUCK!?!? but instead i had to act surprised and happy, and i just wanted to cry (i know, i should have been able to look past all this). i HATE IT WHEN HE ACTS ARROGANT!!!!!! nothing get's me more worked up. this was supposed to be him humbling himself and ASKING me, but instead, because he knew i would say yes, he TOLD me. it's so stupid, i know, but i really wanted him to get down on his knee. it makes me mad just to type that, because i know how stupid it is.

then the ring was too small, so i couldn't put it on. again, it's stupid and i shouldn't care. i told him i didn't because in THEORY i don't care. it was a raw, humiliating disappointment. it made me feel like it was all some casual whatever that he didn't bother to put any thought in to. it's petty and stupid and childish but i felt so shot down. it's supposed to be wonderful and surprising and touching and everything is supposed to be happy and emotional and blah blah blah and it just wasnt that way. i felt ugly and gross and, and i was irritated and disappointed but i couldn't say anything. it pretty much sucked. he chose a pretty inopportune moment, and did it in a pretty obnoxious way.

i know, i know, i'm being ridiculous and bratty and selfish and ungrateful. maybe even mean. i know it, but for some reason... i don't know.

then, he went on to tell me that he WAS going to propose to me a couple days prior, when we were visiting the house where i grew up. we went there, and it was so amazing just to be there and we got to tromp around in the woods like i did all the time growing up. i got to show him all these wonderful places that i've told him about a million times because they mean SO much to me and it would have been AMAZING and WONDERFUL and better than i could have expected but he didn't do it BECAUSE I WAS SO EXCITED TO BE SHOWING HIM THESE THINGS THAT I DIDN'T STOP AND GIVE HIM THE CHANCE. i remember when he was talking about... we were busily tromping and he said he didn't feel good and wanted to stop. so we stopped for a minute but i was kind of pressuring him to keep going with me, so after a couple minutes we did. so the really lame part is that it was MY fault that he didn't propose to me in this incredible place. it couldn't have been more perfect. not even close. there is no place or time in the world that would have been more perfect for him to ask me to marry him, and he didn't do it because i was too excited to be there. he could have stopped me. he could have grabbed my arm and just done it just like that and it would have been amazing, but no, he had to wait until the WORST MOST UNCOMFORTABLE TIME EVER when i was feeling GROSS AND FAT AND COVERED WITH DOG SLOBBER.

now everybody is asking me to tell them all the details of how he did it and it is actually EMBARRASSING for me. i don't want to tell ANYONE the details because it kind of sucked. i don't want to say yeah, we were sitting around throwing slobbery things for our slobbery dog and he arrogantly demanded that i marry him, then gave me a ring that didn't fit. ugh.

okay, having said all this i have to reiterate... i LOVE billy SO MUCH and i am so delighted to be marrying him. this was TOTALLY just a rant, and he is COMPLETELY worth all his arrogance and blah blah blah. it is 100% my fault that i was disappointed by this because i had stupid, unreasonable expectations for how it is supposed to go. i should be SO EXCITED that we got to go to my old house at all and i got to show him things i care about, and that he proposed to me, and bought me a ring, and wants to marry me. i feel a little better having said all this too... it's not like i can really talk to anyone about it because it is so selfish and immature and a little bit mean of me. i just had to get it out. okay.

okay.

LOCKED IN

Okay, so here i am, in Anniston, in my boyfriend (Billy)'s 3x5"2 apartment. I can't leave, because the dog can't stay here by herself, and it's too hot to even leave her in my car for a few minutes, so we've been spending a lot of time here, and we are

BORED.

<-------The dog. I love her.

She loves: fetch, romping, snargling, galumphing, sleeping, fetch, cheerios, fwumping, swimming, fetch, stairs, wiggling, tugging, mud puddles, pine cones, fetch
She does not love: having her teeth brushed, being left at home, baths, long long long car rides, bananas

So here are a few things I want to talk about:
1)schizophrenia
2)hotwheels
3)preschool

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1)Okay, so we have this 350 lb. schizophrenic lady neighbor who tried to destroy our patio furniture yesterday. I'm pretty sure that she thinks billy is doing something to her, because she keeps threatening to beat him up, and throwing dirt and food at our house. So this morning bill and i were leaving and she came outside and was like 'hey bitch (directed at billy), you better watch the fuck out because i'm gonna beat yo ass" or something equally intelligent and thought provoking, so i'm like, whoa, this lady is crazy and threw rotting food on my furniture. So we called the police. Then, later, while telling my mom about the whole thing, she's like "molly, if you are ever cornered by a paranoid schizophrenic you have to pretend to faint", and i was like, ok, now i know something new. I'm pretty sure she's afraid of my wup, but honestly, i'm a little afraid of her too.

2) So after the crazy lady encounter I took billy to work, wayyyyyyyyy out in Piedmont, like 40 minutes from here, and we saw 5 cars with those really ridiculously huge rims all painted up fancy, maybe with a big superman sticker on the back window or something. i don't think any of them actually had that, but a girl can dream. So, i was like "billy, why would a brotha do that to his car" and he said "because it says 'i have money'" but what it really says, I think, is "i like little boys", or maybe "my car looks like a huge toy, you should come get in with me and eat some candy, little boy".

3)While driving home from Piedmont i got an email on my iphone from this preschool in Boulder, CO saying that they wanted to give me an internship. so what do i do? i don't know what to do. i really really wanted to go to that stupid preschool, but then they were like, avoiding my phone calls and things like that so i figured that meant i was not accepted, right? so billy got this great job here and we finally decided to stay and i was okay with it, but now....
i don't know.

Anyways, here is a picture of billy sleeping on the sofa last night:

So i don't really have a good reason for this blog, it's just what i'm doing, okay? okay.

okay can also be spelled 'okeh' when you are using it as a noun, as in "give them the okeh".